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A bad week...
Jul. 2nd, 2003 03:00 pmLa de dar life goes on and all that.
Life is a very strange business.
My heart hurts. My body aches. I must learn to improve my communication skills. There are some very simple things I would like to say. Nothing heavy, just some things that are eating into me. Things like "thank you". Mainly a thank you actually. But I do not want to spread pain or hurt or anger or frustration. I also do not want to allow pain, anger, hurt or frustration to run riot whilst I do nothing. It is a balancing act.
So...I am venturing into the domain of being single. Void. It is a strange feeling, especially as the logical rational part of me knows that this is A Good Thing. Better to part now than to grow to loathing. But I still care, and thank is not a changeable thing. Mountains, rivers and all that - I care. But it is this that seems to have caused some of the problems. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.
There really is no animosity on my part. This pain is my own, it is Good. I have felt love. After contemplating the other side of life for so long, being cold and lonely and disengaged, I have loved! And yes, I have lost, but the pain in itself is refreshing. I can feel! I am alive! There is no fear anymore. I have survived! All those things that I barely scraped through with my life, those ravages of the flesh and soul - they did not destroy me! I love! The pain of losing love is a bliss in itself, hammering home the deep reality of the emotion. I feel. I am alive! That is why I really do want to thank the one who took this chance with me - I will be ever grateful.
Hmmm.
There are some things one cannot record in a journal - the words simply will not come. I need a hug. Let me just skip the intro and the explanation, can someone please just give me a hug? I am tired - emotionally drained, and well, yes. Thats it. I get weak and all that.
Damn internet cafe on my way home. I can resist everything except temptation. Do not lead me into temptation for I can find it for myself.
I am very annoyed with Alison for so cruelly. thoughtlessly, selfishly, ignorantly, harmfully pursuing any sort of communication with the one person who has caused Lisa so much pain, worry, fear and turmoil. I only wish I could be surprised by this blatant display of immaturity and self-absorption, but alas. This is one woman who does not see anything outside of herself, and cannot deal with the consequences of The Real World. It is a disappointment.
Hugs to Lisa (((><)))
Right. I am just all woeful now. How can one so rationally know that a break-up is the Right Thing, and yet want nothing more than to look into their eyes again, to hold them, to FEEL. To say all those things I was too afraid to say. But I know this would do no good. It is genetic, my mothers fault, the stars, the butterfly in Tokyo, whatever, but it is not IT.
Ow
I really need to get the lovely logo one Kate made for me, and as soon as I have worked it out, I will!
Always end with a smile, never end on a bad or sad or angry word. But smile. Swallow your pain, your pride, just say the good, be thankful for what was, and smile. Then let them walk away and go home and collapse on the bed and weep, sob, cry, choke on the tears that seep from a broken heart.
Then dry your eyes, straighten your clothes, neaten your hair, tidy your makeup, and go downstairs and get wasted.
Again.
So, trying to end on a good note, a lady gave me her number last night, suggested dinner, and she seemed nice. Older, settled, fun, clever...
Still...the only note I can hear is my girl, my girl-who-was-my-girl, saying "Shall we go?", getting up and leaving. And I didn't hug her goodbye.
It is the little things in life that matter. If you can get the little things right, the big things seem to fall into place. It is as the fiscal minded say - watch the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves. (This is all well and good, but it's the twenties I have trouble keeping hold of!).
Okay, good note - I have a new nickname of "Gorgeous Kim", which I like very much. Even if it does come from a slightly older, slightly sleazy bloke. Its the thought that counts!
So... I am going to go home and eat cheesy-crackers and mope about having succeeded in causing pain in the first person I ever loved, how about you?
Much love as always
Kim XxX
Life is a very strange business.
My heart hurts. My body aches. I must learn to improve my communication skills. There are some very simple things I would like to say. Nothing heavy, just some things that are eating into me. Things like "thank you". Mainly a thank you actually. But I do not want to spread pain or hurt or anger or frustration. I also do not want to allow pain, anger, hurt or frustration to run riot whilst I do nothing. It is a balancing act.
So...I am venturing into the domain of being single. Void. It is a strange feeling, especially as the logical rational part of me knows that this is A Good Thing. Better to part now than to grow to loathing. But I still care, and thank is not a changeable thing. Mountains, rivers and all that - I care. But it is this that seems to have caused some of the problems. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.
There really is no animosity on my part. This pain is my own, it is Good. I have felt love. After contemplating the other side of life for so long, being cold and lonely and disengaged, I have loved! And yes, I have lost, but the pain in itself is refreshing. I can feel! I am alive! There is no fear anymore. I have survived! All those things that I barely scraped through with my life, those ravages of the flesh and soul - they did not destroy me! I love! The pain of losing love is a bliss in itself, hammering home the deep reality of the emotion. I feel. I am alive! That is why I really do want to thank the one who took this chance with me - I will be ever grateful.
Hmmm.
There are some things one cannot record in a journal - the words simply will not come. I need a hug. Let me just skip the intro and the explanation, can someone please just give me a hug? I am tired - emotionally drained, and well, yes. Thats it. I get weak and all that.
Damn internet cafe on my way home. I can resist everything except temptation. Do not lead me into temptation for I can find it for myself.
I am very annoyed with Alison for so cruelly. thoughtlessly, selfishly, ignorantly, harmfully pursuing any sort of communication with the one person who has caused Lisa so much pain, worry, fear and turmoil. I only wish I could be surprised by this blatant display of immaturity and self-absorption, but alas. This is one woman who does not see anything outside of herself, and cannot deal with the consequences of The Real World. It is a disappointment.
Hugs to Lisa (((><)))
Right. I am just all woeful now. How can one so rationally know that a break-up is the Right Thing, and yet want nothing more than to look into their eyes again, to hold them, to FEEL. To say all those things I was too afraid to say. But I know this would do no good. It is genetic, my mothers fault, the stars, the butterfly in Tokyo, whatever, but it is not IT.
Ow
I really need to get the lovely logo one Kate made for me, and as soon as I have worked it out, I will!
Always end with a smile, never end on a bad or sad or angry word. But smile. Swallow your pain, your pride, just say the good, be thankful for what was, and smile. Then let them walk away and go home and collapse on the bed and weep, sob, cry, choke on the tears that seep from a broken heart.
Then dry your eyes, straighten your clothes, neaten your hair, tidy your makeup, and go downstairs and get wasted.
Again.
So, trying to end on a good note, a lady gave me her number last night, suggested dinner, and she seemed nice. Older, settled, fun, clever...
Still...the only note I can hear is my girl, my girl-who-was-my-girl, saying "Shall we go?", getting up and leaving. And I didn't hug her goodbye.
It is the little things in life that matter. If you can get the little things right, the big things seem to fall into place. It is as the fiscal minded say - watch the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves. (This is all well and good, but it's the twenties I have trouble keeping hold of!).
Okay, good note - I have a new nickname of "Gorgeous Kim", which I like very much. Even if it does come from a slightly older, slightly sleazy bloke. Its the thought that counts!
So... I am going to go home and eat cheesy-crackers and mope about having succeeded in causing pain in the first person I ever loved, how about you?
Much love as always
Kim XxX
