The Lesbian evolving into The Biker Dyke

Well, I am now hunting out my future in road-kill.
Really, there is not point telling me bikes are dangerous - so are razor-blades but I still shave my legs.
I am hunting out what I want. Whilst working at being the person within who I have supressed for so many years. Well, since I was four.
And my hair has got to the interesting fuzzy stage. Rather like a chimny sweep, especially when I get off the northern line (underground, the deepest darkes line) and find myself all sooty.

I am drifting between the sides of mania. My heart aches sometimes, and I cannot do the little things that I must do, make the calls, sort out these things. Then I become infused with confidence and energy and burn out. My body has been so tense my back is sore, very sore, and I am not sleeping properly. I tell myself stories in dreams to avoid the night terrors. This is not good. So I am looking at how to releave this silly stress - freedom. I am breaking out of the system, I am going to get me a bike and ride baby yeah! I do not want to work, I do not want to become a little wheel in a corporate machine, selling my soul inch by inch just so I can compensate for the hollowness left by buying useless pretty things. That was a decision I had to make - what is more important to me, money or my soul. I won.

I have realised this week I hurt. I am glad for the hurt, I know my heart is there, and if it is capable of pain it is a) not broken, b) in existence, and c) healing, perhaps.

And I'm meeting people, and these people don't seem to think I'm a complete shit or failure or nutcase, so I'm allowing myself to smile more often. I have caught my breath, and I am now findin gmy feet again. I needed to get low enough to rest on the floor, to actually rest, before I could carry on. Admitting that was hard, but it was honest. I expect nothing in return for this truth, nothing, but I will speak the truth, and not make excuses for my weak behaviours and failures.
I do not mind people not-liking me, I do not bend to be approved of by everyone, I am human, I err, a lot, but now I am honest about it, upfront, what you see is what you get y.y.y.

Hmm. I do wonder what is going on inside my head when I come to write like this. But this is me, this is how I think sometimes, it starts light and fluffy, but that is just the surface of the Why, and it is the Why with which I am concerned.

The Why rather than the correct spelling and grammar.

Off to price check more bikes... o, if anyone knows of any good websites or whatever for looking up info on icle bikes (beginners), please do let me know if your feeling all generous and loved up. And don't let my intense vulnerability influence you in anyway whatsoever ;)

Love Kim XxX
No, please, love me...

*wahwahwahwaaaaaaaa*

(no subject)

Sod.

Sodosdosodosodsodsod

OKay now I;m depressed.

Up down.

Stupid child.

Well. The passage of time is an interesting construct.

Just having thought there are people who love, we find there are those who canntpo bear it.

I think I need another shower.

Agh

sodit, I'll have a ciggy instead.

Love to all

X Kimmy X

(I'm in need of a hug, thus the Kimmy, cos I'm all woeful. Stupid child).
X

Evanesence - My Immortal.

I'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now I'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I've held your hand through all of these years

but you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
I've been alone all along