Rape and Trust

[kimkali]

I am feeling very throughtful.


I have become more thoughtful recently. Quiet, withdrawn, perhaps even isolated.
Sometimes I like to think things through, and sometimes thoughts take over.
I am not depressed. I am not bouncing around either.

I am not a secretive person, but there are some things I'd prefer to keep private. These things are most commonly my notebooks, and my writing generally. I expect my need for privacy to be respected. If it is not, I am left bewildered, somewhere between dissapointed and enraged. When I am ready I will share what is written.

My mother read my dairy when I was 14. I had written six months perviously, when still 13, of beign abused. I was going through the coming to terms with it internal drama. Not something I wanted read. But it was, and the roof, the fan, everything was hit, turned upside down, and thrown into the open (baby, bathwater, everything (almost)).
It is common to ask "Why didn't you tell anyone?" of those who have been abused, or raped, or *suffered in silence* in any manner. But so often it is one of those close people so ferquently recoemmended as a source of solace, advice, or help, who is the abuser.
Trust can be fickle. I still really loathe anyone, ANYONE, looking though any of my notebooks or writing for ANY reason. It feels like the highest betrayal. Yet it is so hard to express Why.
It is because when someone does that, when someone betrays me, for whatever purpose, with whatever intent, I am 14 again, cornered in my bedroom, terrified fo what will come next, of what has been discovered, who will find out, and what they will do to me.

So I can be a little highly strung.

The later rapes all merge into almost the same thing; that questionable fear and helplessness. I didn't need to be drugged, or beaten, I was incapacitated by memories, by first hand experience. These then added to my stock of reasons to be silent.
And that took a lot to break.
It is not that I have ever denied any of it. But being blasé is one way of avoiding the real issues, of preventing sensitive discussions. At the same time, others have told me their experiences assuming (on my own assurance) that I'm okay with it all.

A great deal of what I write is about the abuse, or later rapes, or the huge trust issues I have from the direct and indirect consequences. Most of the time it does not appear so. I do not even know myself what it is I am actually writing about. I'll take some tiny gripe, and throw all this weight, this private emotion, behind it an *wham* there is something that sounds hateful or hurtful or as though I am about to go and end it all.

I am private because I don't want to be afraid to explore how I feel about these things. I still am. There is so much I do not write (and I invariably have to think of the thing, and then write the thing, to understand it to be able to discuss it (see here) later). There is so much I need to. I want to be the first to read it when I have written it, and there is much I have written that I have not reread. I need to know what it is I am dealing with.
The diary my mother read I had looked over. I used to trace the indent of the underling with my forefinger. I could feel it, it was real, it was true, it was more than fear and I could do something about it (writing it was doing something). I had started to try and say no, to try and stop it. It just got more certain, more aggresive. I was looking for a way.

Loss of privacy and rape are intertwined here. I am open, but on my terms. Consent is everything.

---


It seems wrong to just leave this without saying I'm back online Monday (considering the *wham* potential)! X Kim X

Comments

[kimkali.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I purge.
Sometimes I purge publically.

Likewise helped.

[kimkali.livejournal.com]

It helps to know it helps.

Far better than making people physically ill.

Which has also happened.

And hey, have fun tonight!
XXX

[vierkilau.livejournal.com]

Is good to purge and have the courage to do so publically I can't say anything in the way of supportive messages having no experience with these things but it was an insightful read

[kimkali.livejournal.com]

I'm not really looking for anything here. What I was looking for I have (a purge, and an insight).
Insight is a Good Thing.

burble like a brook

[blue-cat.livejournal.com]

Sometimes just writing stuff helps to clear it out - and to make it real in an odd sense. Maybe that is why we are so happy to belive in what is written in the paper?

It also crystalises things - the amorphos blobs of thought and feeling are forced into managable boxes called words. These words may or may not convey the totality of interconected feeling/physical reality of what it is having to convey, but it is a box and by Kali we are stuffing out meaning into that box.

and I sort of see about the trust - it is like you pour some of your Selfhood onto this thing called paper and then someone rifles through it and somehow it isn't self anymore because some other self has touched it. Even without real repercussions it still is 'sullied' - like a favored pair of knickers that you have as 'special sexy ones' - and your sister/best friend/house mate borrows them as she is short or fanceis them one day and somehow it goes wrong afterwards.

Yes, I am not mentioning the rape bits. I have heard confessions from more than one person on my flist about 'bad stuff' and I haven't anything to compare it to personally - and it doesn't sound from the above or the responses that you need petting (but may have if you want need *grin*)

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing your insight. I also have gained insights from what you have shared here.

[lucifermourning.livejournal.com]

mew.
i was having a related discussion with my roommate yesterday. she was saying how she's just accepted that if she leaves her diary out it will get read. i was shocked and horrified at the idea of parents doing such a thing. though for me much of it is just the idea of trust--not necessarily what was read but the violation of trust intrinsic to reading what you've written without your permission. not that most of what i write would necessarily be bad for others to read, just that i can be an intensely private person.

but my parents are good with that. they don't even read my mail when i tell them to (if i get it at home and it looks official, not personal, i want them to read it in case it's something important that i won't see for months cause i'm at school).

i don't know what the point of that was. just kind of agreeing with your thoughts about trust.

[sollunastella.livejournal.com]

Not sure what I can add to the above comments. Just to say if you do ever want to talk to someone, I'm always willing to listen and off tea and cake.

Rape and any kind of abuse is something you have to talk about only on your terms. I tend to talk about stuff these days as I'm still getting to terms with a lot of stuff that happened in my childhood and odd things will trigger memories and these days I find myself wanting to talk about them, usually they are things that happened almost 30 years ago, but that is my choice nad I'm now starting to write these thingsdown as the crop up as I find it easier still in many cases to do that rather than talk about it directly.

[mazzarc.livejournal.com]

I wish I had your courage to purge here on LJ, or even in private to someone. I talk about my abuse fairly frequently, but no one except me and the abusers konw the details. I have come very close to telling someone, but had my trust betrayed recently. I empathise witha lot of what you have said, especially the not needing to be drugged or forced with subsequent events. Memories are powerful things indeed.

May I just say how proud I am of you to take this step. I hope it leads to understanding and healing for you.

[laumiere.livejournal.com]

I took 10 years to be able to talk about ONE incident calmly. You're doing fantastically. If you ever want to do something on a more professional footing (like writing an anon witness account to help other women) I'd be more than happy to help and support you.

*send cuddling*

[cillygirl.livejournal.com]

i feel the same about my writing... i'd never write anything as an adolescent because my dad would read it if left out. it's a power relationship...